Out Here Tryna Survive
This podcast is a trauma-informed, hope-oriented, safe space. It is a warm hug of solidarity for Black women 35+. It is a celebration of our resilience thus far & our determination to not only survive but THRIVE.
Join me, Grace Sandra, a Mama, author, advocate/activist, storyteller, for some good ole self-love shenanigans.
We are braver than we believe✨
Out Here Tryna Survive
Ep 14: Why "Good Vibes Only" Won't Heal Your Wounds
Have you ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of love and pain that you just can't seem to escape? Join me, Grace Sandra, as I uncover the truth behind trauma bonds and why breaking free is so much harder than it seems. Sharing my own journey through a manipulative relationship, I reveal the addictive cycle of abuse and affection that binds victims to their abusers. This episode challenges the oversimplified narratives often touted by pop psychology, urging listeners to seek deeper understanding and authentic healing.
Social media is flooded with catchy, feel-good advice, but is it really helping? Together, we'll explore the complexities of trauma and the misleading nature of pop psychology, particularly when it comes to issues like narcissistic abuse. I dive into the importance of therapy, meditation, and self-education in my healing journey. Discover why relying on evidence-based practices and being discerning with online content is crucial for moving beyond mere survival to true emotional well-being.
Embracing negative emotions is not a sign of weakness but a necessary step towards authentic healing. In this empowering episode, I encourage listeners to reject the "good vibes only" mindset and instead embrace the full spectrum of their emotions. As we journey together, I extend a heartfelt message of solidarity and strength, reminding you that you are not alone in this. Share your own experiences with pop psychology by reaching out via the email provided, and let’s continue to build a community of resilience and support.
Have y'all ever scrolled through Instagram and been like, why is everyone a therapist? Like why, you know there's a whole lot of manifestation is popular. Trust me, I believe in manifestation, but there's a whole lot of misinformation, especially on IG, and I love a good affirmation as much as the next. I practice affirmations, I practice subliminals, I leave myself voice notes, I do all kinds of ish to change my mindset. However, I think we need to realize that pop psychology isn't really cutting it, and today I want to separate the difference between pop psychology and actual psychology, because what we're not going to do is just let this pop psychology run our life and not do anything that leads us to actual healing. Pop psychology gives us all that like, just, oh, love yourself, okay. What the hell does that look like? Speak your truth, okay. What the hell does that look like? Though, and also, a lot of us, like myself, are multiple trauma survivors. We have very deep rooted trauma like how the hell do you get to the bottom of that? And you're not just getting to the bottom of it with Instagram memes. So, on this episode, we're going to go beyond the surface level and explore the actual, real psychology and things that have led to healing, and my own as well.
Speaker 1:Hey, I'm Grace Sandra and this is the Out here Trying to Survive podcast. No-transcript stood out to me because if you follow me on IG, you know I share a lot of memes. I try not to share ones that are obviously harmful in any way or that promote some sort of weird pop psychology. I don't share like feel good stuff, like Jesus loves you, even though I do actually believe Jesus loves us. Speak your truth, even though I do actually believe we should speak our truth. I try to share ones from creators that go like a little bit deeper, that are really getting to the bottom of what it means to like use these memes and use these ideas and things that are so carefully curated on an IG feed to actually lead towards some healing. But we can never deny that, like real psychology that people have went to school for and studied and got masters of social work and became licensed clinical therapists etc. Is going to always have more information and knowledge than what we can get off of IG. This podcast is a hope oriented storytelling space. A warm hug of solidarity from me to you as we go on this journey of surviving and thriving. Welcome.
Speaker 1:First, let me tell y'all a story. So back when I was being narcissistically abused, I developed something called a trauma bond. A trauma bond unlike pop psychology says that trauma bond is when two people are just bonding over trauma. That is absolutely not what a trauma bond is. People bonding over trauma is literally just that they're just bonding over trauma.
Speaker 1:A trauma bond is a very deep attachment to an abuser or to abusive behavior and it develops as a result of someone abusing you or severely mistreating you. It's an attachment, it's an addiction. A it develops as a result of someone abusing you or severely mistreating you. It's an attachment, it's an addiction. A trauma bond is a very complex psychological phenomena that happens in the midst of very, very, very dehumanizing behavior and it only occurs when there is an imbalance of power and when there is a cycle of abuse and then affection abuse and then affection. So you and your affection abuse and then affection. So you and your girl getting together and talking about how your husband's hurt you is not trauma bonding, that's just you bonding. Just call it what it is a healthy bonding.
Speaker 1:A trauma bond is actually a pattern that an abusive person sets up and when I was married I was so deeply trauma bonded. The trauma, the trauma bond forms deeper when the, when the abuse is very severe and then the, the affection that turns on afterwards is also very overwhelming. You're basically sending some. It's a very brutal, brutal, brutal form of dehumanization that I I had never felt or dealt with before. It was crazy, it was the craziest shit I ever felt.
Speaker 1:Because the thing is, and when someone treats you really bad, like let's someone let's say someone just, for example comes and pew pews you in your leg twice, and then you're like that was terrible. Why would you pew pew me in my leg? Like, why would you do that? You're very confused, first of all, if they've never pew pewed you before, like, would you do that? You're very confused, first of all, if they've never pew pewed you before, like what the hell? But then the next day they're like you know what? I'm so sorry. I really love you. I never meant to pew pew. You're in your leg, a trauma bond and this is what I had. You're so desperate for the affection and the love and the, the making up for it that you're like oh my god, thank you so much for apologizing, because it was probably my fault that you pew-pewed me in the leg. It's probably all of me. It's not anything you did, it's me and it's a very sick cycle. I really can't explain.
Speaker 1:It's very difficult for me, as a survivor of this, to explain how or why, because most people, if they're like if your husband is pew-pewing you in the leg, then just leave, and it's not that simple. I wish I could say that it was. That situation never happened to me before. By the way, I was just giving a random example. But my point is is if you are trauma bonded, someone is abusing you and then they're showing enough remorse, enough affection and enough love and it could be crumbs at this point that you're so accepting of it, you're actually thankful for it and you're awaiting the next abusive trigger because it actually triggers something in your body. So you become literally physically peptide, addicted to these vicious cycles and to the abuser and to the abuse itself. It was the most psychologically damaging, horrific thing I've ever been through ever.
Speaker 1:The intermittent nature of abuse cycles of very severe abuse, then affection, then abuse, then affection, then abuse, then affection makes the victim become incredibly, first of all dependent on the abuser, very confused to the point of cognitive dissonance, which is also psychologically recognized as a condition that you can have when you're experiencing these abuse cycles. It also can leave you very hopeful that the abuser will change if you change. It creates a deeper emotional attachment and it makes it very, very, very difficult to leave. This is often seen very acutely in hostage situations or in cult situations. These people have developed a very severe trauma bond. Something that's really confusing about trauma bonds is the longer they get stretched out, the deeper the wound. So I'll give an example. Give an example.
Speaker 1:In 2017, I believe in, like January February of 2017, one of the most abusive episodes my ex had ever had happened on a car trip back home from Chicago. We were driving back home from Chicago and the abuse was so horrific it's still, to this day, one of the most traumatizing like nights of my life. It was about two and a half hours nonstop, at which point we were driving on I-94. It was January February, so it was very icy roads, it was very cold, it was dark and it was probably about 20 degrees, and I actually considered jumping out of the car just to get away from him. At that point, we had an eight month old baby I think she was eight months old and she was sleeping in the backseat and I just kept thinking about how, if I jump out of the car right now, well, first of all I'm going to die because we're going 65, 70 miles an hour, that I would be, you know, run over by the car behind us because it was a full expressway and I just kept thinking my daughter would wake up and I wouldn't be there to nurse her and I just didn't want to let him win like that. But I wanted to escape the abuse. So bad, it was just the most relentless, horrific abuse, traumatizing nights I've ever been through, like I said. So I didn't jump out of the car. Obviously I was screaming and crying and begging him to stop and he wouldn't.
Speaker 1:And when we got home the next morning he rolled over and said you know, I'm so sorry about last night. I was just, you know, really stressed because earlier in the day, before that happened, I had been asking him like maybe we should take a break we were married been asking him like maybe we should take a break. We were married. But I was like maybe we should just take like a three, four week break, maybe we should get separated because I'm at a limit with what I can handle with your abusive behaviors. So I was calling him out. If you know, you know when you're leaving an abuser the most dangerous time is when you're trying to leave, and literally that's what happened. I tried to leave earlier that day and on the way home I was punished very severely. So anyway, in the morning he said, like I'm so sorry and it just touched my, touched my little heart so much and I rolled over and, you know, hugged him and kissed him and I was like it's okay, you know, that's all I wanted was for you to say you're sorry and that you love me.
Speaker 1:You know, looking back, it was just a perfect example of a woman who was very, very deeply trauma bonded. That was 2017. I didn't. He didn't end up moving out until the fall of 2019. So if you can imagine, you know, two, three, four years of living like that, it's very deeply ingrained in your body.
Speaker 1:So please hear me when I tell you if someone tells you they're trauma bonded to someone because they've read something on Instagram, they're probably not. They probably have no idea what it is to be addicted to someone into abuse cycles. Like someone who's actually gone through that shit. I was doing narcissistic abuse and verbal abuse coaching a few years ago and I've only ever met and I was talking to hundreds of women on TikTok and meeting women primarily on TikTok, setting up coaching sessions and I've only ever met one person who was more trauma bonded than I was Only one One out of hundreds of women that I talked to I was. I am the picture of trauma bonding Like if you look up trauma bonding the dictionary, there's my dumb ass, completely trauma bonded.
Speaker 1:It took me a really long time to stop letting him manipulating me, to stop sleeping with him, to stop begging him to love me, to stop begging him for kisses and hugs. And even after we were separated, even after we were divorced it was a full year or two, I think after we were divorced was like the last time we slept together Like I was still trauma bonded. And let me tell y'all this was not me not trying. This was me trying. This was not me not trying. This was me in therapy. This was me doing EMDR twice a week for like 12 weeks at one point. This was me going to therapy once a week, sometimes twice a week, when things were the worst. This was me trying to pursue meditation. This was me trying to change my mindset. This was me reading books about trauma bonding, reading books about escaping from the grasp of a psychological manipulator. This was me doing shit to pursue healing and hope and my ass was still so fucking trauma bonded it's literally like beyond explanation and I get people were mad at me.
Speaker 1:I started just not telling people stuff because I could not explain the very deep level of attachment and I actually did some things that were like psychological exercises to try to unearth it. I would picture an actual like cord like a very thick, very strong cord. Like a cord like this thick on YouTube I'm probably if you're not watching on YouTube, you could see it like like the size of a coffee mug or something. Youtube you could see it like like the size of a coffee mug or something. So a very thick cord and I pictured it wrapped around us both and I would picture like something coming in like a chainsaw and just cutting it. I still believe to this day it's January 20, 2025. I still believe to this day. If I were to put a percentage on it, I'm probably like 1% trauma bonded to him.
Speaker 1:Still, there is just something that I haven't been able to fully, fully heal from. I hope that one day I can get down to zero, but there is a little, teeny tiny. It might even be less than 1%, because it doesn't affect my behavior, but the desire sometimes is still there and that's what's really weird. And now, now I'm healed enough to be able to say like, oh well, no, obviously I wouldn't do that or obviously I wouldn't ever want him again or anything like that. Like I can reason with myself now, but there was a time where I couldn't. I couldn't at all. It just the desire to experience those patterns with him, or to experience the kind of abuse that he was giving me, or to experience the affection or the vicious cycle was so strong. So now ask yourself, when you see little memes on Instagram about trauma bonds, were you trauma bonded or were you just sad?
Speaker 1:This is a larger issue in general of people on Instagram and TikTok and other places using themes that, like survivors of real, like complex psychological phenomena are just casually throwing around, like narcissism and narcissistic abuse. There is a whole community on TikTok that I gained as a result of talking about narcissistic abuse and realizing there are survivors out here of a very deep, complex type of abuse, a very specific type of abuse. That is really hard to explain if you've never been a part of it. And so then when I see people on Instagram being like, yeah, you know, he cheated on me, that fucking narcissist and it's like, yes, people with narcissistic personality disorder typically do cheat, but not all cheaters have narcissistic personality disorder and not all cheaters are narcissists. Cheaters are just cheaters, and that's not a great thing. But the mislabeling of these very complicated phenomena is really fucking annoying and it waters down people who've experienced something really deep and complex and are trying to find answers. So anyway, child, this is just a friendly reminder that real psychology is grounded in research, rigorous studies and evidence-based practices. Real psychology acknowledges the complexity of human behavior and mental health and it also realizes that there is no one size fits all solution.
Speaker 1:And that's not what you're going to get from pop psychology on Instagram and I'm not saying that all pop psychology is bad. Like I said before, I've shared it. But this is my warning to you please be discerning. Please be discerning before you just take a meme and run with it. And, like I said, I share a lot of memes on my Instagram stories and I am discerning before I share and if it's something that needs a little bit of clarification, I'll add a little text like hey, you know what's the. I'll just say something to address what it's saying. If I feel like it needs a little bit more complexity, I'll just add my little two cents.
Speaker 1:Here's three questions you can ask yourself if you find yourself leaning towards something that you feel like is true, but just kind of giving you a little bit of ick or you don't know for sure. One is is this evidence supported by research? Are there any links? Are there any sources? Like who's saying it? Two, does it resonate with my lived experience? This is literally exactly what I was dealing with with being trauma bonded and seeing people talk about trauma bonds like it's this cute little thing. And then, finally and most importantly, is this piece of advice helping me to learn and grow or is it just pissing me off? And if you find an account or whatever on Instagram, that's just like what the hell are they talking about? Just unfollow y'all, just unfollow.
Speaker 1:The biggest reason that I really am passionate about this is because pop psychology leads to misdiagnoses. It also leads to ineffective coping mechanisms, like there was one time that I was trying to tell someone like I'm trauma bonded and she said something like Grace, that's just an excuse. It's just an excuse. I was absolutely positive that that was not just an excuse. I was literally trying to help them understand what I'm going through. This is what I'm currently struggling with.
Speaker 1:The thing is, if you're dealing with someone in a cut and dry hostage situation who has Stockholm syndrome or a cut and dry cult situation, let's say that person is evolved enough to be able to say, like I have Stockholm syndrome, I legit have Stockholm syndrome. What should be said is it's amazing that you know what you have and what you're dealing with. Let's help you figure out how to get through it. But immediately for someone to say to me like Grace, that's just an excuse. Obviously it made me feel shame for something I had developed, not as a result of my own doing someone else's, and it didn't help me heal, period.
Speaker 1:It also leads to people feeling like they're failing at healing and like failing at manifestation if it doesn't look like how an Instagram meme says it should be. You know what I'm saying? Like we should never feel like we're failing at life because of something we read on an Instagram meme. Like no y'all, no, just no. Pop psychology on Instagram, especially because that's the main culprit does not and will never acknowledge the complexities of each person's individual issue and problem. One thing I hate motherfucking hate is how on Instagram and Facebook, especially in the comments, people apply like real silly shit to everyone. Like I'll try to give an example Like someone will say something like see, that's why black men don't celebrate single black mothers or that's why black women don't celebrate black men. I'm just trying to give you an example, because those are such like cutthroat issues that are always brought up and these broad, sweeping, generalized like as if all black men or all black women are a monolith, and it's like what, what are we even talking about here? What are you doing? What are you saying? Like, please, shut the entire fuck up, please. But it also keeps people from actually seeking help and real guidance from people who have actual degrees and experience and create can create a complex plan for you to move forward and address the issues going on in your life.
Speaker 1:Qualified mental health professionals are a gift. They are a gift, especially good ones. Not all of them are good. Some of them suck and they're not perfect people, but they are a gift. They are a gift, especially good ones. Not all of them are good, some of them suck and they're not perfect people, but they are a gift and hopefully you will use them and please know that it is never, never a mistake to ask for help, never. I know the strong black woman phenomenon is really a thing, but we got to shut that down.
Speaker 1:Another issue is this good vibes, only shit. Now, here's the thing. Here's the thing. I'm all about trying to have good vibes. I'm all about trying to have positive vibes. I literally live that way. I try to keep my vibration strong. It's a real thing. If you don't believe it, read literally anything from Dr Joe Dispenza and you'll understand like we literally do emit vibrations as human beings and it literally does affect things around us. We literally can tell from being around someone the kind of vibration that they are emanating. That is why sometimes, when you're around someone that you don't feel good about, you have like a feeling in your gut that something's not right is because of the vibration that they are literally emitting that we cannot see. This is a real thing. It's as real as gravity that we also cannot see.
Speaker 1:Okay, however, when someone posts good vibes only, a lot of times that can feel more like just quieting and silencing anyone who feels anything other than good, and it discourage people. It can discourage us from like processing our very real emotions, which are needed to feel good. The only reason why I feel good today is because I sat with negative emotions yesterday. Because I yesterday, like I mean in years past because I've been sitting with negative emotions and letting myself feel what I feel and letting myself cry about it and moan about it and rage about it and feel anger about it, and I didn't good vibes myself every day. So, yeah, I feel good vibes today, but that's because I let myself feel some bad vibes before. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:If you don't let yourself feel what you're feeling, because you read good vibes only on Instagram, it's going to lead to suppressed emotions, suppressed tears, maybe to the point that you won't even be able to cry anymore At some point. It's going to lead to inauthenticity, which is also a vibe that can be put out, that people will read and feel from you, which is not welcoming, and it can also lead to you feeling shame, which is so unnecessary, and we know from Mama, dr Brene Brown, that shame has no place in healing. You cannot heal with shame. Shame has to go away, and anyone that gives you shame is not leading towards your healing period. It's really important, y'all, to acknowledge and validate all of the feelings that you have. I cannot stress that enough. This is not just my opinion. There's like 10. You can grab any random self-help book off the shelf and they will tell you that you have to feel all of your feelings. The only way past it is through a bitch. An Instagram meme that says good vibes only isn't going to encourage you to bust out your journal. You know, to practice mindfulness and to go to therapy to deal with your very difficult feelings, but I'm gonna tell you to do that.
Speaker 1:And then the final issue that I have with all of this is that it really does promote a one size fits all way of healing, and the thing is that's not true, y'all. I have enough girlfriends in my life. I've been to enough therapists. One of my very best friends in the world is a licensed psychotherapist, and what I know for sure, for damn sure is that everyone's healing journey is really different and it takes time and effort very differently. Some people are genetically predisposed to different coping mechanisms, for like, for example, alcohol. That's been pretty well studied and proven. Some people are literally born with the genetic gene that has that are predisposed to wanting to cope with alcohol right. That's going to be a harder journey than someone else Like. For example, I've talked very openly about how my journey with being assaulted as a kid for a decade from my father father sexually has led to me coping with sex and sexuality. That's very different than someone else and their journey with you know whatever they went through in their childhood and the way that they cope now.
Speaker 1:There is no one-size-fits-all way of healing and I'm here to tell you you have to find your own journey and please, please, please, shut out any voices, especially random Instagram meme voices, where you find yourself comparing your healing journey to someone else as opposed to really enjoying your journey and how it looks for you, because really and I hope you know this true healing really does come from within. It really is an inside job, building your self-esteem back up after trauma and abuse and all sorts of divorce, whatever. All sorts of things really does come from you. You know even that sounds a little buzzword-ish, but it's true. Like self-love is literally the most important love. No one else has to live with you for all of your life but you.
Speaker 1:Something that's really been just so harmful for me in my journey towards healing is people expecting me to do it their way or on their timeline. That has hurt me so much, in part in part because ever since I got into an abusive marriage, once I realized it took me a while even to realize I was being abused. I just knew something was really wrong Once I realized I was being abused and I went to get help specifically for that. I literally told them Once I realized I was being abused and I went to get help specifically for that. I, you know, literally told them. Once I realized I was being abused, I went to a therapist specifically to talk to her about the fact that I believed I was in an abusive marriage. After three or four months she diagnosed me with complex PTSD, which I had never even heard of complex PTSD before that. But it was very obvious that I had PTSD. The way that it was showing was becoming almost literally intolerable for my ex-husband, for my husband at the time. I think I probably already had complex PTSD from my childhood, but I had been able to handle it, but there was something about being in that marriage that just pushed me over the top. Anyway, my point is something that really hurt me is once I realized I was being abused.
Speaker 1:I was trying so hard to get out of it and I was trying so hard to survive it and so hard to survive myself. I very rarely gave up. I very rarely gave up. If you've ever been around someone who has in an abusive relationship, you've seen there's a few versions, particularly with women. There's women who just give up and surrender to it and they're like this is just all I'm ever going to have in life. There's women who fight it and fight really, really hard to survive it. And there's women who are determined, no matter what, I'm going to get out of this. I was pretty much clearly, clearly always in the determined category. I was determined to fight it. I was determined to stand up for myself. I was determined to get out of it. I was determined to stand up for myself. I was determined to get out of it. I was determined to live differently.
Speaker 1:And what hurt me so much was when people tried to, and what hurt me so much was when people tried to move me along on my healing journey in a way that felt good for them, in a way that was comfortable for them. You know, I had people telling me like I'm just so uncomfortable with you doing this or you doing that, and I'm like bitch, I'm trying to survive. Some of these things I feel like I can't even control. And I'm just trying to be honest with you, that's just where I'm at. It wasn't like I'm giving up, it was just like this is just where I'm at. I feel like I literally can't even control this. Or the grief was bigger than me and as a result so, for example, I've really struggled with clutter, clutter and messiness. That's been like a big, big, big struggle, slash battle.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of it is because I've had years of dealing with some sort of clinical depression and then, you know, adding on what I was surviving, having people be like, well, you know, you just got to get it cleaned up, you just got to clean up. And then you're going to feel better. You got to clean up. Yes, thank you. I know I'm trying and failing for 50,000 reasons and it really didn't matter how many people said to me like, well, you should clean up. It was never going to happen until I myself got to the point where I recognize this is harming me and I can no longer mitigate this level of harm.
Speaker 1:My journey was my journey and I've come a long, long, long way. But one thing I want to make sure that you know, as a woman, and as a woman who has friends who are going through these things, try really, really hard not to judge anyone based on their journey, based on where they're at in their healing journey. Just remember y'all, your healing journey is unique and different and beautiful. Don't let pop psychology oversimplify anything for you. Don't let pop psychology derail your progress and don't let anyone who is a conduit of pop psychology try to convince you to oversimplify your journey or to suppress your emotions or anything like that. I'm a really need y'all to trust your you, trust yourself, trust your gut, trust your inner wisdom. Please seek support when you need it and, biggest of all, don't judge yourself.
Speaker 1:When I stopped judging myself, even though other people were judging me, I knew other people were judging me for still being very trauma, bonded to my husband and then my ex-husband. I knew they were. I could feel it in every way Energetically, I could feel people's judgment and the shame that people were trying to put on me for the ways that I was still trying to heal Y'all. If I had let that get to me, I would have never gotten healed because, like I said, you can't heal with shame. So I had to take everyone's judgment and their ideas of how I should be healing and what I should be doing differently, and I had to set it aside and be like what is it that is true for me right now? And what I knew is that I was trying and I was doing the best I could with what I had always. I can truly say that of the past 10 years of my life for sure.
Speaker 1:If you would, don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, spotify and anywhere that you listen to or watch podcasts on YouTube, please, please, go to Apple Podcasts and leave me a rating review so I can get this show going and on the map. Follow me on the socials. You can find me on Instagram, at Grace underscore, sandra underscore, and on TikTok, because I think it's back for good now TikTok is out here trying to survive Same name as my podcast and finally, join my newsletter list where I share a little short, brief weekly tips, tricks and hacks, books I'm reading and products I'm loving as an aging, healing, surviving and thriving woman over 40. Thank you again for joining me today.
Speaker 1:Y'all, I really, really appreciate it. Please remember that you are strong and you are resilient and you are brave and if you are on this healing journey, you are absolutely capable of creating a life that you deserve, and I believe in you. If you have any experiences with pop psychology or any stories with this that you want to send to me, please send it to me at out here trying to survive, at gmailcom, and I would love to feature it on the next episode. I hope y'all have a wonderful week and I'll see you next Monday. Bye, thank you.
