Out Here Tryna Survive
This podcast is a trauma-informed, hope-oriented, safe space. It is a warm hug of solidarity for Black women 35+. It is a celebration of our resilience thus far & our determination to not only survive but THRIVE.
Join me, Grace Sandra, a Mama, author, advocate/activist, storyteller, for some good ole self-love shenanigans.
We are braver than we believe✨
Out Here Tryna Survive
Ep 18: You're Not a Loser, You're a Survivor
Have you ever felt like life knocked you flat, leaving you to start over when everyone else seems firmly established? You're not alone in that journey of rebuilding.
At 48, I found myself making just $10,000 a year after once having a stable career, retirement savings, and a home. The crushing weight of feeling "behind" where society says I should be had me questioning my worth on the darkest days. Between divorce, mental health struggles, and periods of financial insecurity that had me skipping meals so my kids could eat, I've faced the brutal reality of starting over in midlife.
What I've discovered through this process is that the metrics we use to measure our lives are fundamentally flawed. Society tells us that by certain ages, we should have specific achievements checked off: career stability, property ownership, financial security. But these markers ignore the complex realities of trauma, systemic barriers, health challenges, and the unpredictable nature of life itself.
The most transformative shift happened when I stopped seeing myself as a "loser" and recognized myself as a survivor. This isn't just a semantic difference – it fundamentally changes how we value ourselves and our journeys. Survivors acknowledge their resilience, honor their capacity to endure, and recognize that continuing forward takes immense courage. Your achievements, whatever they may be, are testament to your determination to keep going.
Whether you're rebuilding after divorce, career setbacks, health challenges, or other life upheavals, remember that your timeline is your own. The unaccomplished life isn't a permanent condition – it's simply a chapter in an ongoing story of reinvention. Your worth exists independently of your bank account, job title, or relationship status, and recognizing this truth is the first step toward creating a future aligned with who you truly are.
Sign up for my newsletter "Not Just Surviving But Thriving" on my website where we'll explore how to move beyond mere survival into a life of possibility and purpose. Because no matter where you are in your journey, it's never too late to become the best version of yourself that's ever existed.
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Imagine if you will, being 48 and reinventing yourself completely and starting over and being the best version of yourself ever. So maybe you're not 48. Specifically, I am 48 and I am starting over and becoming the best version of myself that's literally ever existed. Not even kidding, and I'm gonna be real hella honest with y'all in this episode. But are you 40 plus, starting over, starting over a new career? Maybe you've been divorced or whatever the circumstances, and you find yourself kind of flat on your ass and needing a new start and low-key, feeling like a loser, because we're not gonna sit here and act like. That's not what people feel like when they go through real hard shit. But hey, y'all, if you're new here, I'm Grace. I am the host of Out here Trying to Survive. I'm a mom, a writer, a podcaster, an advocate, an activist, and I'm just really out here really honestly and truly trying to survive. This podcast is a hope-oriented storytelling space and a warm hug of solidarity from me to you. It is a celebration of our resilience thus far and our determination to not only just survive but also to thrive. Welcome.
Speaker 1:According to the Googles, the average American woman makes around $51,600 a year. This usually falls between $40,000 and $60,000. And that, of course, depends on factors like location, industry, education level, etc. And it's also helpful to note there is a significant gender gap. So men doing the same job make on average $1 more per hour. Also, according to the Googles, black American women make on average about $41,900 per year, with the stats showing that Black women make on average a little bit less than women in the 40 to 49 age group, which is slightly lower than the overall average for everyone. If that made sense and it is helpful to remember that us Black women are fighting both gender and race and that we make less than white men in everything in the same jobs, even when considering education level, which is really sad.
Speaker 1:As I mentioned before, I'm 48 years old. Three years ago I left my full-time job where I was making about I think I ended at either 44 or 45. So I was like right in that exact range, making slightly above average than the average Black American woman of the same age. But since then, since then, I have made a whopping and prepare yourself for this a whopping about $10,000 a year. I've been doing gig work and I've been living off of student loans while I go to school for my master's degree which I am graduating this year. Can I get a hallelujah? I'm going to go more into my story in a minute about how I get there and all of that, but I will say this I don't own a home.
Speaker 1:I used to have a home when I was married. I don't own a home. I used to have a home when I was married. I don't have one anymore. I used to have a retirement account that would probably be at least 300, 400k right now, but I don't anymore. I don't have a massive savings. I don't own my car, although I will in $10,000.
Speaker 1:I lived in a very somewhat bougie, somewhat suburban, very overpriced three bedroom apartment and, like I said, I don't own any property. And by all means, and when I've looked at the way the society describes someone like me, they would call someone like me especially if I were a man a bum yeah, a bum Bigger than that. For me, what has been so hard is not having a career, and bigger than that is not being capable of a career. Let me rephrase that Having issues that prevented me from feeling like I could live fully in my capabilities, even though I'm a very hella capable woman who's very smart and educated and a hard worker. There have been so many times in these last three years since I left my full-time job that I have just felt like a loser, loser, okay, loser, loser. And then there have been times in my journey where I have really worked very hard at my mindset and really had so much grace and self-compassion. If you didn't catch my last episode, I talked about self-compassion.
Speaker 1:I think it's one of the most probably important and clarifying podcasts I've had so far, and I go deep into the journey of realizing how much I've been through and how much I've survived, and instead of seeing myself as a loser, I've seen myself as a survivor. If you can relate to my journey in any way whatsoever, just a little FYI you're not a loser. We are not losers. We are survivors. We have faced you have faced incredible adversity and if you're still standing, I want you to give yourself like a round of applause. Okay, because life is fucked up out here Sometimes. I'm like Grace you are still alive. You are still alive, girl. What is you talking about? You're a loser or a bum or whatever. Like you have survived things that lesser people wouldn't have. They just wouldn't have.
Speaker 1:There has been a certain level of hell that I've went through really honestly in these whole past decade that I really wouldn't wish on anyone. And so when I look at myself and I just start to get down on myself about the things that society lists as something that makes you good enough you know, having a house, owning a nice car, being able to take annual vacations just things I haven't done or haven't been able to do having a retirement, things like that I've had to remind myself bitch, you are still alive, you still here, so you can. There's redemption is possible. You are still here. And also those markers are just indicators of what our society tells us.
Speaker 1:In a different society, lots of other societies where they don't have the same markers as us, they're just out fishing and enjoying their best lives and they worry about the stuff that America is worried about. But, most importantly, in other places in the world there is a distinct value on human life and just that. You are valuable just for being a human, and your value is not explained by your retirement account, by your career, by your home, etc. But yeah, I had to have like a deep night of the soul, like a dark, a dark night of the soul about this whole, things I don't have and where I'm at for my age and watching so many people younger than me have so much more, and I've just really had to come to such a solid place of my internal and inherent worth. And it's been a beautiful journey, but it's really difficult.
Speaker 1:So in this episode we are diving deep into the unaccomplished life. So if life just ain't going the way you hoped it would, sis, I can tell you I relate and we're going to talk about it. But first let me tell y'all a story. So the story of how I got here, lost a house, lost my retirement, don't have any long term savings at the moment and trying to recover and rebuild my life is maybe not a lot, unlike some of yours. So I'm just going to tell you a little bit of the story and then we're going to kind of get into a little bit more. But basically the gist is I'm gonna give you all the overview.
Speaker 1:The overview is got divorced and in the divorce I did not want my ex to have to move my boys, because we had little boys at the time, or they were like three and seven or so. I was like I don't want you to have to buy me out or pay me the equity or whatever, because I don't want y'all to have to move and that just felt like too much for the little boys, for our sons, to go through the divorce and having to move from the only house I'd ever known. I found out later and my lawyer was so dumb and incompetent. But I could have, he could have just refinanced and y'all I could have. My life could be very different right now. But you know what, whatever Anyway.
Speaker 1:So that was the first thing that set me back in a big way is going from owning a home to not owning a home, owning a home that I paid into for several years. I mean, I paid into that home, we bought it together for 12, 12 or 13 years and never got anything out of it. It's kind of like I was renting but I wasn't renting. I was a homeowner and then got nothing out of it when it. You know, in the end I was a homeowner and then got nothing out of it when it. You know, in the end Then I was having a mental health breakdown. That's partly, you know, what triggered me being like I'm making a clean break. I kind of knew that I was not in a great place to work. I had got fired also during the divorce. Anyway, long story short, short story long. I ended up taking out my retirement so that I could survive and pay for my whole next year of rent, because I kind of knew like I'm just struggling. Got back on my feet, did get a good job that had a good salary, and then got remarried, got pregnant, and then that job like literally abruptly, within two weeks, was like hey, we're going out of business. Your last check will be here on December 28th yes, december 28, a few days after Christmas, while I was pregnant. That was devastating and have just continued to struggle since then.
Speaker 1:That second marriage, I ended up going through domestic violence which traumatized the actual living fuck out of me. Okay, traumatized me more than other things have traumatized me. More than having childhood trauma has traumatized me all. The marriage traumatized me and I left that marriage having been diagnosed with complex PTSD, which I believe I had beforehand. But what he did to me made it a million times worse.
Speaker 1:I actually have that story up on my YouTube channel if you're interested in learning the ins and outs of narcissistic oh girl, I'm not even gonna say what just happened. Yes, I will. I think my cat just literally peed under my desk where I'm filming while I'm filming, like how rude is that? Like how rude? Can you please get out of here with your? Anyway, if you're interested in learning the ins and outs of narcissistic and and or verbal abuse, that is what I endured and that's what traumatized me so acutely. Anyway, oh, the worst part is now I can smell it. Okay, pause, I got to fix this because I can't. I can't go on while I'm smelling this like pause, okay, I'm back. I'm not sure where I left off, but once we got divorced I started really going hard on healing. I also have a series up on my channel too, about EMDR therapy really saving my life. At that time I just I knew that I wasn't going to survive if I didn't really focus on my healing. I'm sorry I'm also eating a cough drop because I have had issues with coughing in my throat for like a month and a half, maybe even two months by now. So I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1:When I got divorced, I was working full time at a local library as a circulation supervisor, working with great people for great people, and it was such a challenge for me. It was such a struggle Because of my mental health issues. I had severe depression, severe anxiety. My complex PTSD was so bad at that time, it was so, so, so bad and triggered by so many things and I just knew I can't keep doing this. So when I left the library, it was, I think, a year and a half or so out from my divorce. I was still healing, but I was kind of breaking down. I had recently gotten assaulted, which was terrible and traumatized me. My mom was dying and then she ended up dying. I was just not in a great place, y'all.
Speaker 1:And so for the last three years that was three years ago I have been doing gig work, like I said, and trying to find my way, when I've known at every step I have to start over, I have to start over, I have to start over, or the things I was starting weren't working. So I started YouTube in 2018 or 2019. And I wasn't consistent. I think if I'd been consistent it would have worked, but I was never consistent. I had done a couple of different MLMs Like while we were married I had done it Works. And then I did Melaleuca and I tried really hard.
Speaker 1:I fought for my life. I was out there fighting for my life and still never made like more than $1,000 a month and realizing like that's not going to work. And then I wrote a book and you know I didn't expect to make like a lot of money with the book which, by the way, I'll tell y'all about my book it's still up on Amazon but I at one point thought I was going to have a whole career writing. So it just it felt like a gut punch to be back back to self-publishing when I'm part of four published books and I actually had at some point I had an agent and things interested in me and I let all of that go when I was having like a mental crash and ended up getting divorced. And then I started a grad program that I ended up not liking at all. This was in like 2012. So I didn't finish it. That's another long story. 2012. So I didn't finish it that's another long story.
Speaker 1:So I think you know when you take in the combination like you probably all have your own, but that was mine it was like, oh my God, you started this master's degree and never finished it. You know you had this great, thriving career before, before I got divorced, and I walked away from it, in part because we were working together and I just couldn't take it no more. I felt like I was going crazy. And you know you had impact and now you don't have impact. You know you had a house now you don't have a house. You had a retirement now you don't have a retirement. You know you had the respect of at least having a career and now you ain't got no career. Girl, now you driving for delivered and shit Like girl. What is you doing as someone who you know had a had a I did have a once thriving, up and coming career.
Speaker 1:It's very you know how some people say, like don't be too happy about the happy times and don't be too sad about sad times, because it's always gonna come back around. And I kind of feel like in big swaths of decades that's how I've tried to look at it Like okay, I had these, this really happy time where I could tell I was making a huge impact, I was making pretty good money and I was really feeling very satisfied. That's the point. I was feeling satisfied in my career and then it like completely tanked. Okay, we're now, we're down at the bottom, completely tanked, and I feel like I'm back on my way up, but I'm just trying to do it my way and work for myself with my podcast and take control of my writing career and get that back. So I feel like, if we look at it in decades, hopefully that was like the up decade and there's a down decade, hopefully we're on our way to the up decade and then it just goes even keel. That's what I'm hoping, like that.
Speaker 1:But it's very difficult. It's very, very, very difficult, and you might feel the same way to feel as worthy as you did when you're in the low spot, as you did when you, when you're in a high spot, when everyone's singing your praises and everyone's telling you did when you're in the low spot, as you did when you, when you're in a high spot, when everyone's singing your praises and everyone's telling you how great you are and what a meaningful impact you're making on their lives. Okay, because I was working with college, with black university and college students for several years for like 16 years if you include my volunteer years and students were always telling me how much of an impact I was making in their life and how much, how much I changed their life and how much working with them and mentoring them and coaching them how much it changed the trajectory of their life. So going from that and realizing, like I knew I had worth then. But then when you're driving for shipped and you know a little old lady gives you $5 tip after you nearly damn near kill yourself trying to get her groceries to her, it didn't feel.
Speaker 1:I didn't feel quite as worthy, even though I'm the same person the whole time, with the same gift set, the same calling to make an impact in this world, the same everything. I did not feel very worthy. And there are circumstances along the way that will tell you that if you struggled in love like I have, you probably don't feel worthy. I did not feel worthy of anything at all while I was being narcissistically and verbally abused and assaulted by my ex-husband. Like that was such a dehumanizing experience and produced so much cognitive dissonance because I knew and to some extent I'm not worthy of this. I don't know what I'm worthy of, but it's not this. And then when I was in a situation where I was assaulted, it was with a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend and I obviously did not feel like a worthy person. Like that situation told me you're not even worthy of not getting your hands put on. I think those situations back to back just really kind of shot my self-esteem. As you can imagine. It's pretty understandable. I already had PTSD when he did that to me. So it was just, it was a lot, y'all it was a lot.
Speaker 1:And that wasn't the only thing going on. You know being poor at that time before I started my master's program the second one I was broke than a mug and just being teed, always teetering on the edge of homelessness. If you've ever been there, y'all you know that is the most debilitating feeling. I can't even describe it like that the feeling of poverty. Poverty is so crushing I almost wish, in a weird way, that everyone could experience it at least once, for a day or something, maybe just living in the fear of losing everything, or having lost everything, or knowing you can't recover if you do lose everything, the the sadness and fear that goes into wondering if you're going to be able to feed your kids, or Having food insecurity or not feeding yourself.
Speaker 1:But there were, there were times where I just wasn't eating so that my kids could eat, like literally, and not wanting to tell anyone or tell their dads, because I didn't want them to be removed from me, because I always made sure they had enough food to eat. But if I start saying I don't have enough money to buy us food, then they're gonna just take the kids away from me, which is kind of why I was like I'll just I will not eat, and low key y'all. I probably could have made a can of beans or something like that. Like, at the end of the day, I wasn't starving. I just want to make that clear. I just didn't want to eat what we had and so I was like well, I'll be hungry and when I don't want anybody to just misconstrue the story about what I'm saying we had food. Insecurity is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1:My anxiety was so high I could not, could not hold down a full time job. I'd also started perimenopause, which greatly affects your brain and the way your brain works. Brain fog, short term memory are things that lots of perimenopausal women say. I didn't really know I had ADHD like that. Like that. Until I started perimenopause I couldn't focus for more than, I would say, 15 minutes at all. That's, that was new. It was new for me. The brain fog, that level of brain fog fog was new for me. That level like well, I still really have a terrible short term memory. I mean it's terrible, it's. It's it's beyond what is normal my short term memory. As a result of perimenopause, I couldn't hold down no jobs, no jobs, and I still don't know if I could even work in a focused way at a desk for 20 hours a week. I don't know if I'm actually literally still capable of that, given what I'm still dealing with.
Speaker 1:But my whole point is maybe you can relate, maybe you can relate to being hella behind in life, to having weird random circumstances that make it very hard to get forward, to move forward, to enjoy your life, etc. But first let's have a word from our sponsor. Our sponsor is me, grace Sandra, and the book is Grace Actually Memoirs of Love, faith, lust and Black Womanhood. You can get this available on Amazon in digital or hard copy. I think it's pretty good. I have tons and tons of five star ratings, so go check it out and leave me a rating and send me an email Let me know what you think.
Speaker 1:So if you feel hopeless, feel like you're too old, you don't know what to do, you don't know where to go, you don't know how to get it together, you don't know how to make money. You don't know how to do a side hustle. You feel like a loser. Whatever your situation is, I really just want to tell you that your feelings are valid. It's really okay and more than understandable to feel extremely overwhelmed. I think something I needed to hear, that maybe you need to hear, is that it's really very again, quite normal to experience significant setbacks after trauma, and a divorce can be trauma. Losing your home can be trauma. Losing your retirement account can be trauma. Not saying that these things all are, but each individual has our own, you know, individual set of things that make us feel like we've been traumatized.
Speaker 1:Living in an uncertain future is really scary and really hard, and I'm feeling that I was already. I'm already always feeling that, just given how I feel like my mental health has been in a super, super fragile state for at least the last three years. So I've already felt uncertain, super fragile state for at least the last three years. So I've already felt uncertain. But then you add in this recent election, and I'm like what is going to happen? What is going to, as someone who takes advantage of social services like Medicaid and SNAP etc. Like what on earth? I think that's where we have to dig really, really deep into the idea not just the idea, but the truth that just being alive is a testament to our resilience. Just being here, still fighting for yourself, still fighting for your children, still fighting for a life after 48, still fighting for my dreams, you know that to me, I feel like, is a testament of my resilience and my drive and my fight and my survivorship.
Speaker 1:Speaking of survivor, I really think what we need to do as women, particularly as black women who feel like our value is in question, is we need to reframe the, any feelings of feeling like a loser or a bum or whatever things that people might be saying to us, which, to be clear, I've never had anybody I haven't had anybody be really mean to me about this stuff at all. I think most everyone who's known like I've had such a significant financial struggle as a result of having such significant mental health issues, I think they've been really gracious. I'm really grateful for that. But the one who's been the most mean to myself, honestly has been me, and I'm the one who I've had to say like hey, no, no, no, no, you've been through a lot. It's okay Like, love yourself, boo, love yourself. But I think that we can do a lot of good for ourselves by reframing it from loser or bum or whatever to survivor. The language change from loser to survivor is really, really significant. You can just hear it, even in those you know, just setting them next to each other.
Speaker 1:Survivor has an air of intentionality about it and I feel like I've been so intentional to turn my life all the way back around, so intentional that I can't see myself as anything else at this point than a worthy ass survivor. You know how much you're capable of. You know what you're still capable of. You know that it doesn't have to be over for you. Remember that wherever you were before, those capabilities haven't disappeared. And even if let's say before, let's say you haven't had it before, let's say your story is different from mine. You didn't have this like thriving career to like. Look back at like, oh yeah, I did do some things. Look at it as there are capabilities that you have that you've never explored yet, and this can be an adventure of you trying to figure out what you need to do to get your life in a place where you feel really proud of it, where you feel really good about it.
Speaker 1:Your achievements are also a part and a testament to your resilience. If you have mother children and you have loved them and treated them well and did the best for them, even when you couldn't, even when you feel like you didn't have it in you, that is an achievement. What are your other achievements? Not including raising your kids, because whatever those are also demonstrate someone with a lot of strength and a lot of determination. Financial situations can change in a snap and it's always good to remind yourself and I spend a lot of time doing this myself that there is someone else in the world who would want to change positions with me, and I actually think there's a lot of someone else's in the world who would want to change positions with me.
Speaker 1:Something that I have done as I've navigated these past several years is I have not set my mental health aside. I mean, my mental health has been such a big part of the problem I don't think I would have been able to, even if I wanted to, baby, but I have continued to seek medical help therapists, actual doctors so that I could get the prescriptions and things that I needed. I have done the absolute most to try to figure out how to make sure my mental health is in a better place. Your well-being is the foundation for literally everything else. Your mental health is literally the foundation like. You cannot cannot ignore it and there's something going on. Please address it. Please address it.
Speaker 1:I hope that if you're in a place where you're really behind that, you have an enormous amount of self-compassion for yourself. I hope that you will do what I said in my last episode, which is, if you're struggling with this, write down your issues and problems as if you were your best friend and or even if you don't have a best friend, if you were a best friend, and write it down. Write yourself a letter as if it was coming from a best friend and I guarantee you a best friend is going to say something like you know, you've really been through a lot. I think you really understand. You really deserve some understanding. You really deserve some compassion. I think you really deserve to hear that you've been strong and that you've been brave, et cetera. You know, I'm telling you, prioritizing those self-care activities and prioritizing self compassion on yourself will literally change your life. Watch my last episode. It's your time to write your own story right. It's your time to write a different story for yourself. It's your time to flip the chapter over in the book if that's what you feel like you really need, and that's what I feel like I really, really like hella need, and that's what I feel like I really really like hella need. And so I made a commitment that I was going to pursue my fears, my dreams and my passions no matter what, and one of those is this podcast. So I decided that I'm going to do this no matter what, even if I never get monetized on YouTube, even if this doesn't get monetized, even if I quote unquote fail, I'm willing to fail in pursuit of my dream, in doing something I love.
Speaker 1:I think there is a societal norm that we have to have everything all figured out by a certain age. You know, whatever it is. Some people I've heard some people say it's like 2627. And I'm looking at people in my life who are 2627. And they're like literal babies, like I don't even get it, but like 3035. Some people would say they would or do or should have their life figured out by 40. But I think we all know a lot of us, including ourselves, including me, who don't have anything figured out by 48. At least, what I don't. I haven't figured out how to do this again. I haven't figured out how to do this whole career thing again, how to do this whole making money and being financially stable thing again. Obviously, I've picked up a lot, a lot along the way and I consider myself to be a person who is learned in a lot of ways from a lot of circumstances. But having life all figured out is definitely a societal norm that I don't think is helpful and I don't think it's something we should be like. Let me get my whole life all figured out. No, let's figure out how to enjoy the journey. But if we are willing to confront our self-doubt and our basic fear of change just as basic as humans and if we can take on the things that feel overwhelming, we can really and truly change our life.
Speaker 1:I have tackled my fears head on in a lot of ways, not just with career, not just with writing and publishing my book, which is very vulnerable if you read it. Not just starting this YouTube channel, not just like sharing the six part story of my narcissistically and verbally abusive ex, which was really hard to do, but I did it and I've shared a lot vulnerably in a lot of other places as well. And I think, when I look at that, I'm like you know, not a lot of people would be willing to share what I've shared. I've heard that. I've heard that several times. You get the point.
Speaker 1:I have I have done some things, lots of things that I'm afraid of, and I just want you to know that every single time I sit down to record one of these, I feel afraid. What if it sucks? What if it sucks bad? What if it never picks up? I definitely feel cringy a little bit when I market these episodes. I mean, I feel cringe every single time I share it. I I feel cringe, but I am trying to do a few things so that I ensure that my life moves forward. Actually, not just a few things, I'm trying to do a lot of things, but in particular, when you think about rebuilding, I try to take very small steps and do one step at a time and move one foot forward. Even on my manifestation journey, I'm getting big and more and more into learning how to manifest money and experiences that I want to have, and I've realized even in that if you break down what you're trying to manifest into smaller, more achievable goals, it's easier.
Speaker 1:Me deciding to go back to school. It was a big one of me realizing like there's a big world out there, girl, there's a lot you can do, like go do it. So I don't think it's the greatest. You know that I had to take school loans out to go back to school, but at the same time I am trying to manifest that I'll be able to pay off them school loans, point blank and period boo. Don't forget y'all, to celebrate every little victory along the way. You deserve to celebrate every little victory along the way.
Speaker 1:I hate sometimes that like we live in this culture that's like if you don't get like the big big thing, then it's almost like nothing is worth celebrating. I try to give myself little treats throughout the day when I, you know, do what I say I'm going to do, and when I have little victories, like I tell myself, like okay, when you get this or get this amount of money or do this or whatever, then you'll get this and I get it for myself. And usually it's in the form of some sort of like clothing or accessory, cause I just love clothes and makeup and accessory and I love being a girl. So those are my little treats. They're they're usually not food related, but life would be easier if it would cause. It would probably be cheaper, you know, to get, like you know, a $5 piece of cake versus a $25 serum.
Speaker 1:I would highly suggest looking into the work of Dr Joe Dispenza and what he talks about in terms of neuroscience and attracting greater situations for us, both financially and career wise. And I read his book Breaking the Habit of being Yourself. I will put it here and link it in the show notes and that really, really really changed my mindset in a lot of ways. I read that like, I think, a year and a half ago or so. Actually, no, that's a lie, I read it longer. I read it two years ago during the summer, because I remember I was going on long walks and listening to that book on Audible because it was just so freaking good. But it was what got me like really thinking bigger than just this summer or next summer, like where do I want to be in five years? Where do I want to be in 10 years? What does my future self look like? I'm starting to envision more. I've been doing vision boards. I've been doing vision boards for a while, but getting more specific, and now I do scripting and just other manifestation principles so that I can continue to look forward.
Speaker 1:From this whole, I'm nowhere. I have nothing to well. Where could I be Even in two years? Where could I be, could be in such a different place? I just want you to know, no matter how old you are and I say this truly from the bottom of my heart, like there's nothing wrong with you.
Speaker 1:I think what's wrong with most of us, more than anything, is that we live in a capitalistic society that demands that we drain our body of its life, blood and soul in order to meet the needs of capitalism. That's not to say that we shouldn't take accountability and responsibility for the mistakes we've made in our life, etc. Etc. I don't know why you are 48 and over and feel like a loser, but I know why I have. And one thing that I have needed to remember and remind myself that is literally the most simplest things, but that is that you are resilient, you are capable, your feelings are valid, you are not alone. You are not alone. I will tell you that much because the more, the more yapping I've done about this, the more I've realized like I am not alone in being an older woman who doesn't have these, these markers, these stones that people say I should have by now. I am not alone, so you aren't either.
Speaker 1:You can rebuild your life. You can absolutely rebuild it. You can absolutely rebuild it. You can absolutely start over. You can absolutely conquer some bad habits. You can absolutely come back from bankruptcy. You can come back from anything. I believe truly, fully, fully believe that we can, with God's help, manifest the life that we want. You are a blessing, your life is a blessing and your children's life is a blessing. You are supported and loved, and while it seemed like that little list that I just rattled off to you is like oh yeah, of course, of course, grace.
Speaker 1:Okay, I really challenge you to ask yourself if you really believe that, though, if you really believe those things, because people want to write it off so hard, but mindset is so important to life change, like, if there's one thing that I have realized in these past five years of trying to change my life so significantly, I've tried to change my life, every area of my life. I have worked so hard on it y'all. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you have to believe that you are capable and that you are worthy, and that you are worthy and that you are resilient and that you are not alone and that you have community and that you have someone behind you and that you can do it and that nothing can stop you. You have to believe that stuff. It can't just be cute little affirmations posted on your wall, you have to literally believe it, and sometimes, especially if you're like me, you were a very traumatized child that believed a lot of lies. As a result of that trauma, you have to do quite a lot of mind work, namely meditation and journaling and other things, to get that to stick in your head, like to get I was.
Speaker 1:By the way, during these last five years, there was a point where I was tempted to unalive myself every month for a day or two at a time, for 16 months in a row. Nothing says I'm an unworthy human than wanting to unalive yourself for 16 months in a row. Now, granted, I was having some huge issues with PMDD. My PMDD is really, really bad and I was experiencing perimenopause, so all of that was heightened. But I still believed at the end of the day, I'm not worthy of being here, and so, even with all of the mindset work I was doing, I was still really struggling to get some of these basics.
Speaker 1:So you might be tempted to write me off and be like, oh, that's no, that's not a really a really good piece of advice. Yes, it is a good piece of advice because you don't believe it right now, and I know you don't. Otherwise you wouldn't be saying that, because if you believed it you knew how hard it was to get there. It is really hard, even for kids who haven't grown up traumatized. Even for people who don't have a lot of trauma in their background, it can be really fucking hard to believe that you are really, really worthy of your dreams and really worthy of chasing the life that you want. Because people who chase the life that they want and get to where they want, they know that shit was not easy at all and they know the kind of transformation they had to been through. So that's how I know, if you fight me in your head, that you really haven't done that work yet, because you would know how hard it is to really get it thoroughly fully through your head that you are a worthy individual, that you are completely lovable and capable and that you're enough and some of those light bulbs after months, after months and months and months and months of years even of me working on it.
Speaker 1:Some of those light bulbs have finally started to go off, where I just literally think of myself all the time as enough and not too much, and lovable and capable and worthy and beautiful and kind and smart and intelligent and wonderful even and a real catch that no one has caught, and right now I'm okay with that but smart, intelligent, someone who's capable of finishing this master's degree and doing a great job at it and having a wonderful career that I launched, that I do myself, where I work for myself on my terms and my hours, which is exactly what I want as a mom who still has an eight-year-old and a 15-year-old and a 19-year-old in college. So all of that is easy for me now, like and and I'm chasing it, I'm going after it and I'm not a loser, even though I'm still in a okay y'all. My battery died and it cut me off and I'm gonna be honest with y'all, I don't even know what the hell I was saying. So I'm back. I think I was just saying that I know who the fuck I am right now and, as a result of that, it has both kept me going. It has made me not want to quit, I think. I think it has honestly relieved a lot of this unaliving ideations that I had before. It has really changed my dynamic with dating, with, with men, with sex, just in general. Like everything has elevated, I think, because of a greater sense of knowing my worth. Same thing with girl friendships as well. There's just been really no end to the amount of growth since I changed my mindset on a lot of these things.
Speaker 1:My whole point is, if you are here and you have felt a similar sense of like just lost in the world, I really want to tell you I relate, I really really do. I really relate and I really wholeheartedly believe that you don't have to stay here. I don't have anything to offer you. I don't have a coaching program, I'm not doing anything like that. But if you want to send me an email I'm not always the greatest at responding, but I will try to respond for sure and you can email me at out here trying to survive at gmailcom. If you're not yet, please subscribe. But bigger than that, please do me the greatest favor in the whole wide world and go to Apple and leave me a review on Apple.
Speaker 1:Follow me on my socials. I'm on Instagram at grace underscore, sandra underscore, and I'm on TikTok as out here trying to survive. I am starting a new newsletter which I am so excited about because I'm going to get back to writing. It's called not just surviving but thriving, and it's going to cover six topics. I'll tell you a little bit more about it next week, when I have it more fully developed and fleshed out, but for now, you can go on my website, outheretryingsurvivecom, or any of the links in these bios anywhere and sign up for my newsletter and then, when I migrate it to Substack and get it started, you can be the first to be there. I will see y'all next week. Again, sorry for the missed week. I was tired, sick, worn out, heartbroken Girl. I had so much going on, but you could be anywhere and you're here with me today. So thank you so much for joining me. You are a beautiful soul. Remember again that you are strong and resilient and completely capable of creating the life that you deserve. I believe in you Until next time, bye.
